An adults guide to Cbeebies.

There comes a time in every man or woman’s life where they must shed every pretense of adulthood, every small independent step they’ve taken to leave their childish past behind, and step back, folded legs onto the floor, to watch Kids TV. It’s like a cycle, you grow up watching it and your parents hate it, then you get into quirky Japanese horror in your teens and you think you’ll never go back to such foolishness again, until you become that parent, or aunt or uncle and you complete the circle.

If you’ve made it to this step, I pity you. But  in better news I’m here to help, with this quick rundown of what to expect when you turn away from Broadchurch, True Detective and Game of Thrones, add a C to that BBC and embrace the world of Grandpa in my Pocket.

Mr. Tumble / Gigglebiz/ Justin’s House

This man is a talent and a half. Where else can you see one actor play 6+ characters in 3 different shows. He does it all. How he hasn’t made the step up, straight into The Godfather part 4 I’ll never know. Mr. Tumble is the premier standout here, and his Texas Chainsaw Massacre inspired family of other Tumbles are equally as remarkable. My only complaint is the puzzle is far to easy, I was smashing Where’s Wally at 3 and 4, and they’re making out as if I can’t see my hand in front of my face. What do they take me for?

Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures

A vagrant with no regard for the laws of science, it's Andy!

A vagrant with no regard for the laws of science, it’s Andy!

There as so many scientific anomalies here that it’s hard to keep track. Andy can waltz to-and-fro the prehistoric age, any time he wants, and not once has he come back to find Hatty with 8 ears or a lion for a head.

And what’s this ‘Take me to the time off dipliodungface’. That’s not accurate enough, how does it know where to take him? how comes he never ends up on the back of a flying rat and why does no Dinosaur ever try to eat him!

Andy also has a clone of a show called Andy’s Wild Adventures but I can’t understand why anyone cares about an Emu when you can see a T-rex smash things up. Though it does have a talking cat, so there’s that.

Tinga Tinga Tales

The only thing I can say about this show is that the intro song is the most addictive song ever. And for the next week (or the rest of your life), regardless of whethere you’ve just seen Engelbert Humperdinck live, the only thing you’ll be belting out is ‘TALES OF AFRICA!!!’

Bing

Bing’s pretty good, bit like a shitter Arthur. 

Mr Bloom’s Nursery

I feel like Mr Bloom could make a fairly decent living playing as a supporting act for Oasis. He’s got that look about him and he’s got a likable voice. Why not?

That’s about all the Cbeebies I can realistically stand, so that’s it. What tortures have you been through?

 

 

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