Ultimate Team: 5 signs that you are a Tool

There’s many ways you can play FIFA. Nice possession play, counter-attack, long balls to a big target man, but I think we all agree that when we see certain types of teams, or styles of play online, we shudder. Yes, you play to win and yes, the easiest way to win is by exploiting the mechanics of the game, but a player should have morals goddamnit!

Here’s 5 ways to tell if you’re a no good, down and dirty, sweaty, chump of a player.

5 at the back

Defending is difficult this year, no doubt about it. Most of the time you’ll be defending with your midfield, running back your CDM’s, as Sturridge and the like, twist and turn, this way and that. But that is no excuse for 5 at the back. 5ATB sucks the life out of the game, it guarantees a low scoring game with little space and little fun. It also encourages the opposition to be dragged deeper and deeper up the pitch, with nice passing movement, only to be cruelly struck down by a sweaty lobbed through ball.

A lot of players will just dashboard the moment a 5ATB teams comes on-screen and I don’t blame them, because we play FIFA for fun, not nightmares.

Celebrations / Replays

Some celebrations are fine. Of course, you have a right to be happy, you’ve just scored! But some celebrations cross the line. Only shush if the opposition truly deserves it. There’s definitely no excuse for watching three replays. I like quick games, I don’t want to sit there for an extra 10 minutes while I watch Peter Cech make faces like he’s possessed by a Teletubbie.


Most sweaty players I can take, Doumbia fine; Emenike no problem, but this guy is the devil incarnate. There’s no reasons for his 75 rated card to be any good, but for some reason, he is. He’s strong as an ox, quick as a cheetah and has the feet of a prime Michael Flatley. He’s one player that I wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot barge pole. To use him you have to accept that you’ve lowered your standards, sold your soul and basically become Gollum.

Steroid Cards

What are the point of these. On the one hand yeah, it lets you play with a near enough Ronaldo for around 1000 coins a go. Fair enough, not everyone can afford Ronaldo, but facing a team of Supermen in the gold cup final can’t have been what was intended.

Any time I play a full steroid team this is what I’m reminded of:


Except I’m no Harlem Globetrotters, I’m just a dude about to get trounced.

High Pressure/ Team Pressing

I can hardly blame people for this one, the way fitness works there is absolutely no downsides to having all your players run around like a kid on his birthday, for 90 minutes. The only way to counter it is to play that way yourself, and then it comes down to a game of fastest finger first. It no longer feels like football, if anything its closer to a game of pinball. Who ever can get the most through balls of wins. There’s no real skills involved, and no real fun either.

If any of these apply to you, then don’t worry you can still change. Well it depends what matters more the win or your dignity? Hmm… that division one title would be nice though

Let me know what you think makes a tool of a FIFA player in the comments down below!




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